Walking on edge. 4

Time to go..

I didn't get home till around six that evening I sat at the kitchen table for a good half hour until my butt went numb being lectured from Zorn.

I had forgotten to pick up Ubel and he walked home by himself, Zorn was constantly being tapped on his shoulder by his manager being told not to raise his voice and 'hurry up and there is a concert to go too! We're late, we're late we're late!'  Zorn paused nearly dragging his in human claws down his manager's face. He sighed grimly looking at me with tired eyes then  he spoke. "You know what Glen, I'm tired of this. I've…seen your grades I've seen a lot of this. I don't even think grounding you would do anything!" My father looked at me with a stern look. "When I get back we're going to have a long  talk on why you think this is cute." He groaned "S-should I even leave Ubel with you?! I mean honestly you can't even get HIM from school. The ONE thing I asked of you. One thing."

"--Er, Joesph, we need to get going."

"Alright!" My father gripped his newly green streaked hair. "The concert is down town tonight. So I'll be close by. Glen. . . PLEASE. Don't disappoint me. "  Ubel trotted over and hugged Zorn around the waist. "We'll be good papa, we'll be good." He smiled and held up a card for my father. "I made you a good luck card papa."

Suck up.

But, Zorn smiled warmly and picked up Ubel and sighed "Well thank you, Sport. You and your brother be good and have fun." He turned his attention to me. "I'm counting on you. Be good. I'll be back around one." I sighed and nodded smiling softly putting on my best Sunday smile and watched my father leave with Till close behind. There must have been a green haired theme tonight because Till had a short punky green wig on. I wonder why. I sighed turning my attention to Ubel, my head was tired and I needed a nap.  Ubel smiled at me and cleared his throat…taking charge. That's right,  a five year old was ordering ME around.

"Okay Glen, I'm not hungry yet so we can make dinner later if you want." He smiled "don't worry about not getting me. I liked walking home like a big boy."  I chuckled and nodded, standing up my legs sore from falling down the stairs earlier.  Then Ubel spoke to me, something I hadn't expected to hear.  "Hey, Glen…why do you always come home beat up? Do you get into fights?" I turned and looked at  my younger brother like he were mad."

". . .what?"

"You always come home beat up. Do people not like you? Cause, my teacher told me that everyone is supposed to like everyone. Do you need me to tell Papa?"  I laughed nervously, forcing the snow ball back down in my throat. I wanted to crack, break down and admit everything have Ubel call 'Papa' on the phone and admit everything. Then he'd say sorry and talk to me later and I'd sleep easy for once. But, no, I couldn't do that. I wasn't allowed to do that. I'd mess everything up and everything would go down the shitter and all my hard work would be for nothing.  Then, forced out the only lie I could think of. "No silly, I'm very well  liked. I just play rough at recess." Ubel smiled brightly. "Oh! I see, like what I do!"

I mused "Yeah…exactly what you do."

Today was the day, I had bought what I needed. I was ready, to open the world to death.

I was ready to step through it and leave.

I was ready to go.

I was happy to go.

I couldn't just pretend to do it.
I didn't want to be one of those people who only enjoyed the idea of suicide without really doing it.

I couldn't do that.

It was going to be easy.

I mused ruffling Ubel's hair, it was my last night with him. I offered to watch SpongeBob with him for a hour or two. While he sat entranced with the cartoon the more drained I felt. Normally I enjoyed shows like this but they're all made to suck our lives away. They're all cheap ploys to get us to spend money we don't have. I looked at the clock it was almost nine. I sighed, pushing myself up off the couch with out a word. If…. I didn't do it now, I'd never do it.  Every step upstairs my heart seemed to get heavier and heavier. The world around me seemed to be drowned out by cotton and it was almost like I were walking in a bouncing castle though the floor was firm as rock.

It was time.

Pulling open my present from my jean pocket I locked the upstairs bathroom door shut. Looking around at the master sized bathroom. Black and white floor tile, with a large tub and marble sink.  I sighed pulling up my sleeve I felt the rough lines of previous slashes. Paper clips, safety pins, you name it. Even soda cans would do lovely. I sniffed slowly. Looking  at the mirror I nibbled the scabs off my lips until they bled.

It's strange…

Now, that I am going to kill myself, all these small things keep popping into my head. How I won't be making Ubel's dinner. That half eaten piece of banana bread on my desk, Books I need to return to the library or the fact I haven't helped picked out Ubel's Halloween costume yet.

Doesn't matter.

I shut my eyes and jerked the blade hard across my wrist, after wincing I opened my eyes looking at the wound. I could see the fat in the wound, like KFC chicken or corn, my senses were instantly engulfed with the smell of new coins and my arm was warm. I smiled softly the blood pulsed out each time my heart beat, faster one pulse after the other.  I couldn't keep my balance anymore, holding the sink for support my backside had hit the ground more than expected.  I laid down head on it's side I watched the blood pool out on the black and white tile. It was like spilt milk on a table.  My hearing was muffled and I saw shadows underneath the door move around until the door was pushed open.  Oh, Ubel had picked the lock. The child screamed silently and quickly ran over and wrapped my arm in on of are bath towels. I didn't bother moving, I didn't have the energy for it right now.

Ubel ran out of the bathroom and ran back in shortly with the phone in his arms. I watched him sob as he called someone. I assumed it was my father. It'd do no good. I felt my eyes grow heavy…I didn't want you to find me Ubel. I didn't want you to find me yet. But, it would seem like I still won here.  Slowly all I knew I slipped into blackness, Ubel's voice had faded out and that was it.

.
.
.

My body surged  as my eyes flickered open seeing a blond EMT kneeling over me with a male on the other side. "We got a pulse!" She called out my eyes were confused. No! I was so close, then who I saw next was someone…with an expression I never expected to see. My father…Zorn, in his concert attire and a near tear streaked face. His black eye make up looked smokey around his eyes standing in a torn up netted top that hugged his muscular lean frame and baggy damaged goth pants with enough chains to set off a metal detector.  He held Ubel in his arms and almost sighed with relief when I felt myself being lifted onto a stretcher.  Zorn handed Ubel to Till. He mouthed words I couldn't hear, but Ubel was still sobbing holding a teddy bear and Till looked. Amused almost.  Zorn tried getting close to me but the EMTs told him to stay back. He didn't even bother changing. This meant…He walked out on a concert. For me. He fallowed us into the ambulance and took a seat beside me. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone. The female EMT looked almost pissed to see me, maybe I should have died.  She eyed my father and I looked at her and spoke in a horse tone asking words I wasn't expecting to tumble out of my half awake mouth.

"I…I wanna go home."   

The woman looked surprised, as did Zorn.
She sighed "you, can't go home. You're sick, sweetie. But don't worry, we'll fix that."